I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
