Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
