If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
