I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
