I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Shame - the story of my life.
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