I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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