I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
