Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
