Tell her she can't have a vagina
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
