Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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