Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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