it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
