oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
