It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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