he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
