Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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