She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
