Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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