my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
What drink are we having for lunch?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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