we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
