Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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