She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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