Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize