guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
