If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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