Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
