I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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