My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
