Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Is it penis luge time yet?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
