Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
