i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
