I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
