The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
