Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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