My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
You are the jesus of drinking
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
