Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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