the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
