How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
