Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
