It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
