I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Randomize
