just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
