your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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