The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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