How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
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