I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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