My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
