he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
