I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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