the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
