In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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