My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
