Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
sick fucks of a feather flock together
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
